6.25.2013

The Fog I'm Living In is a Dark One

Why I've been semi-absent from most things lately. Absent from the blog, mostly from social media, and I know I've been absent with my friends, too.

This post is a ramble of sentences of the last few days. I've added some of my thoughts over the past week. I know I'm totally rambling, but such is the life right now.

A few weeks ago, I ran out of my anti anxiety medication. Out of my normal habit, I called the pharmacy and ordered my refill via the automated system to be picked up the next day.

I had been thinking.. this medicine isn't really doing what it's supposed to be doing anyway. I feel like I still have anxiety even when I take my meds, sooo... Oh, and plus, I have an appointment coming up with my doctor to discuss my medication since she recently cut the dosage back.

Not intentionally, I can only assume sub-consciously, I never picked up my prescription.

Once I realized what I had done, and the prescription was likely back on the shelf and not available for pick-up, I thought to myself "Oh well, my doctor will probably prescribe something different anyway and I'll have wasted money on that prescription." No big deal. I can go a few weeks without my meds, right? Plus I totally have a handle on my anxiety.

I can tell you the exact moment that I realized what a problem this was going to cause.

Last week, Nate made the comment that I had been "edgy" lately. I immediately retorted with "You calling me edgy doesn't make matters any better, in fact, it pisses me off more." and the conversation was over. He shook his head and dropped it.

The next night, Nate had said it again, but began the conversation much lighter so I wouldn't flip my lid. He said, "Babe, I know you don't like it when I say you're being edgy, but you are. And don't get upset for me asking, but have you taken your chill pill recently?"

I stopped in the middle of what I was doing, looked at him dead in the eye and said, "Oh shit. That's what's wrong. Now that you mention it, no, I haven't been taking my medication."

I can't tell you how awful I've felt this last week. My anxiety is at an all-time high, and I constantly feel like I'm at my breaking point. Every little thing has had me on the verge of tears. I literally have tears in my eyes all day. I've been blaming allergies when I don't want to talk about it at work. (because I don't - I don't ever share my personal life with any of my co-workers.)

I feel like I'm living in the clouds right now. My brain is literally foggy. I know it sounds weird, but I feel high. I feel like I'm going to pass out about 24 hours of every day. It feels like my insides are vibrating and I have no control over any of these emotions.

I HATE to admit these things. I hate it with every inch of my being. It makes me feel weak. Like I can't control my life. I wish I didn't suffer from anxiety so badly. I wish I could let things roll off my back. I wish I could word my thoughts without feeling like an idiot.

I have found myself wishing every minute of the day away. Why can't it just be bedtime? Why do I have to suffer all day long? I just want to sleep. It's the only time I get a break from myself. The only 8 hours of the day that I'm not feeling like a psychopath.

I find myself sobbing so hard I can't breathe. Tears pouring down my face. No specific reasoning, which makes me cry harder because why can't I pinpoint what's upsetting me this much? Am I crazy for having no reason to cry? No appetite - because my stomach is in knots. I just want to feel "normal" again.

And then it terrifies me, because I think - what if I have to stay medicated for the rest of my life? If that's what it takes to feel better, then part of me doesn't even care. I'll take meds forever as long as I can feel sane. But, I know one day (FAR off in the distance future) I'm going to want to be a mom. It's something I think about because I'm not going to be able to take my meds if I get pregnant. I want to be medication free when that time comes.

What if I never get ahold of my anxiety? What if I pass on the 'anxiety gene' to my children? I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I worry about the future. I worry about my life and what my anxiety and the medication are doing to my body.

I know it's causing damage to my body. I can feel it. I feel drained. Emotionally. Exhausted. When I do actually eat, it doesn't stay down. When I do actually sleep, I wake up exhausted because I know I haven't allowed myself to fully rest. I literally have to tell myself to breathe. I forget things because my brain is so foggy that it doesn't feel like it's working properly.

For now, I feel like medication is definitely necessary.

I will never say again, "Oh my meds must not be working". I couldn't have been more wrong. My meds were working, and I did a horrible thing by taking myself off of them. Now, I'm suffering while I wait to see my doctor this week in hopes that she'll be able to fix me very quickly. I have never looked more forward to a doctor's appointment like I am now.

To read more about my struggle with anxiety, you can check out the other post I wrote about it. It's not something I talk about much, but sometimes I just need to let it all out.

Post NOT written for sympathy or attention. All I want from you is prayers, if that's your prerogative.

6.18.2013

Lasagna Soup {Recipe!}

A recent staple in our place is a recipe from Bobby Deen. Yes, son of Paula Deen. My mentor. ;) Ya know, the hot one. He's my favorite.

So, I present to you:

Lasagna Soup


Disclaimer: My dad informed me that it looks like someone already ate it before I took a picture. I assure you that it doesn't TASTE like that. ;)

Ingredients:

2 tsp olive oil
1 lb Italian turkey sausage, casings removed
1 medium chopped onion
1 chopped green bell pepper
3 gloves minced garlic
1 (32 oz) container of chicken broth
1 (15 oz) can of tomato sauce
1 (14.5 oz) can of petite diced tomatoes
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp crushed red pepper flakes
4 oz broken whole wheat lasagna noodles (approx. 4-5 noodles)
1/4 c fresh chopped basil
3 tbsp grated parmesan cheese
1/2 c shredded mozzarella cheese

Directions:

Heat your oil over medium-high heat in a large sauce pot or dutch oven, if you have one. Add sausage, onions, bell pepper, and garlic. Cook, stirring occasionally, until the sausage is nice and browned, and crumbled. Approximately 8-10 minutes.

Add the broth, tomato sauce, diced tomatoes, salt, and red pepper. Bring to a boil. Reduce the heat and simmer, stirring occasionally, until all the flavors are blended together. Approximately 20 minutes.

Add the noodles, and bring to a boil. Reduce the heat and simmer, uncovered while stirring occasionally, until the soup slightly thickens and the noodles are tender. Approximately 10-12 minutes.

Remove from heat, stir in mozzarella, basil, and the parmesan cheese.

Serve and enjoy! It's really good with some homemade garlic bread on the side.

And leftover the next day?? I die! It's even better, if that's possible.

Linking up with Whitney and Charlotte today, for From Our Kitchen to Yours. I'm excited to find many more delicious recipes that will be shared with them from y'all!

From Our Kitchen To Yours

6.13.2013

Spicy Honey Chicken {Recipe + Giveaway}

When it comes to planning my meals and grocery shopping for the ingredients, I want it to be as simple as possible. Also? If I can get the stuff for cheap, even better!

That's what eMeals comes in.

eMeals - Dinner Done

Each week, they send you a meal plan for the whole week. 7 different recipes! They also give you the shopping list. If that doesn't take the guesswork out of things, then I don't know what does!

It's also customizable to your needs. You pick your plan based on your eating needs. On a paleo diet? Not a prob! Are you a vegetarian? No big deal! eMeals has plans for any diet. After choosing that, you can also pick your family size, so that the recipe is enough to feed who you're cooking for. You can also choose which grocery store you shop at.

Here's one of my recent recipes from eMeals. You guys will love this!


Ingredients:

4 tsp garlic powder
4 tsp chili powder
2 tsp salt
2 tsp cumin
2 tsp paprika
1 tsp red pepper
4-6 boneless chicken breast tenderloins
1/2 c honey
4 tsp cider vinegar

Directions:

Preheat oven to 325 degrees.

Combine garlic powder, chili powder, salt, cumin, paprika and red pepper. Sprinkle spice mixture over chicken.

Combine honey and vinegar. Brush topside of chicken with honey mixture.

Place chicken in baking dish, cover with foil and bake 10-15 minutes.

Turn chicken and brush with remaining honey mixture.

Bake, uncovered, 10 more minutes or until done.

Verdict:

Delish with a side of yummy!

This had just the perfect balance of sweet and spicy. When I took my first bite, I thought to myself, "Uh oh, I may have put too much honey, it's pretty sweet" and then as I kept chewing I got a spice kick in the back of my mouth! BAM! 

Also, this meal is boyfriend approved. Nate said it just may be one of the best meals we've ever had!

I want to share the love with y'all, so today one of you are going to win a 3 month subscription to try out eMeals for yourself!

If you can't possibly wait for this giveaway to end, use code BLISS13 when you check out and you'll get 15% off!

Good luck and happy eating! :)

a Rafflecopter giveaway


6.12.2013

Lots o' things!

I've got some random stuff comin' atcha today. Lots of thoughts swirling around in this head of mine, so why not share?!


This Sunday, Nate and I are getting a new dryer! His mom got us one as an early birthday gift to the both of us. Ours bit the dust and we've been either doing laundry at my dad's or washing at our place and transporting to the apartment dryers. It's a pain in the you know what. I'm more excited than I'm willing to admit. Which is how I know I'm officially getting old. I receive appliances as gifts and get happy about it. I can't wait to do all of the laundry in the apartment!!!

I've been feeling a bit "blah" about work lately. Don't get me wrong - I feel blessed to be employed and to be doing what I enjoy. BUT, I can't help but feel burnt out. I think it boils down to the fact that I'm not doing what I want in life right now. I want to go back to school and get my degree. It feels almost impossible while I'm working full-time. It's hard. I need to sit down and make a plan, but the thought of it intimidates the hell out of me.

I've been really into meal planning lately. I've browsed Pinterest more in the last couple of weeks than I have in the last year. Plus, I've been making lots of yummy meals. Some I've even blogged for you guys. I promise to continue that! I want to even add a recipe tab here on the blog. What do you guys think of that?
***Come back tomorrow for a fun giveaway regarding FOOD! ;)


I've been stressed to the point of tears in regards to finances lately. Which is a whole different post in itself that I'm not certain I want to write just yet. So, just know that I don't always make the smartest decisions when it comes to money, I don't know how to save and I've got some debt I want to pay down before the end of the year. I just need to remember to breaaaathe.

My anxiety has been out of whack lately. I'm sure the above statement is a contributing factor. I feel like my meds aren't working anymore. I feel like my body has become immune to any medication that will help. I know, that's incredibly dramatic, but it's how I feel sometimes. It's the thought that pops into my head when my anxiety is so high that I feel like I'm spiraling out of control.

My birthday is next month, and I'm already highly anticipating it. No, I don't have any fun plans yet, but I still get excited to see my birthday come and go. Nate says that excitement will go away once I turn 30. ;) He's no fun!

I don't feel much motivation to blog lately. I have ideas for posts, and I have drafts started. But actually sitting down and putting the work into making it a legit post? The energy just isn't there. It makes me sad because blogging is what I love to do.

Be sure to follow me on Instagram

And that's a wrap.

Might as well link up with Shanna, right? :)


6.11.2013

How Well Does He Really Know Me?!

I saw this survey floating around on different blogs & decided to do it myself. Enjoy! 


How long have you been together?
Nate: 4 years, or is it 5 years?
Amber: Almost 5 years!!! Half a decade!

Where was your first date?
Nate: Sherlock's in Addison
Amber: Sherlock's in Addison

Where was your first kiss? 
Nate: mockingbird station parking lot
Amber: In the parking lot of Trinity Hall

Who first said, "I love you"? 
Nate: ME
Amber: He did, at an incubus concert. Thank God, I did NOT wanna say it first. ;)


Who is her celebrity crush? 
Nate: woody harrelson
Amber: woody harrelson

If she was ordering drinks for both of you what would you each get? 
Nate: Coors light for me, BLL in a bottle for her
Amber: coors light for him, BLL or michelob ultra for me

What is the best meal she has ever cooked you? 
Nate: tacos
Amber: he's gonna say tacos

What is the worst meal she has ever cooked you? 
Nate: that chicken and sourcream meal you messed up
Amber: a chicken crockpot meal with sour cream


What would she say is your most annoying habit? 
Nate: me yelling at bad drivers and leaving time on the microwave
Amber: he always leaves time on the microwave because it's a pet peeve of mine he finds hilarious

What is the last thing she does before she goes to bed? 
Nate: read
Amber: i read and snuggle with bink

What would you say is your favorite thing about her? 
Nate: she's trustworthy
Amber: the way i cook for him

What's her go-to drink at Starbucks? 
Nate: oh that coffee with 5 pumps of vanilla, oh and some non-fat milk
Amber: iced coffee sweetened with 6 pumps of flavor syrup and extra non-fat milk

Happy Tuesday, loves!

6.05.2013

The Best Spaghetti Sauce EVER! {Recipe}

I love spaghetti. Actually, I love any pasta dish. Italian is my favorite.

Growing up my mom always made the most delicious sauce. A recipe that was handed down throughout my family. A recipe that I have yet to get my hands on.

So, what do I do? Improvise, of course.

I'll be honest, a lot of times I'd buy canned spaghetti sauce, mix it with beef and call it a day. I hope you're not cringing too much.

Then? This recipe came into my life & changed the way I'll ever make spaghetti again.

Spaghetti Sauce

First up, gather your ingredients:


2 tsp olive oil
1 large chopped onion
1 finely chopped carrot
2 minced garlic cloves
28 oz crushed tomatoes
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp crushed red pepper
1/4 tsp basil
1 lb lean ground beef (not pictured, as it was cooking during this pic)

Directions:

  • Heat oil in a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add onion, carrot and garlic. Cook, stirring frequently, until onion is translucent, about 6 minutes. 

  • Add ground beef to skillet. Cook until browned, about 4 minutes. 

  • Stir in tomatoes and tomato puree, salt, red pepper flakes and basil; bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer 5 minutes for flavors to blend and for sauce to thicken slightly; spoon sauce over spaghetti. 



Enjoy! 

If you try it, let me know how life-changing it is. ;)

6.03.2013

That's What She Said..

The title has nothing to do with this post. I always have a hard time coming up with my titles because I don't want to just put "Weekend" or whatever. So, I asked Nate to give me the first one-liner that popped into his head. And obviously, he said "That's what she said!" 

Anyway!

This weekend was very eventful & went by entirely too fast. (I say that every Monday.)

Friday:

Nate and I headed to dinner at Genghis' Grill with our sweet friends, Chriz. They just started the Advocare challenge last week & we stayed at the table after dinner way too long discussing it. They have me THIIIIS close to joining myself, but I'm still a little iffy about it. Also, I kept complaining about the storage space on my phone since I got an alert that it was full. They asked what size I had, and I had no idea. I know nothing about technology. After checking it out, we learned that I only had 8G of space. Apparently that's not a lot. Boo.

Saturday:

We woke up pretty early, as usual. We had some errands to run, so we were getting ready for the day. As Nate was showering, I was perusing twitter, as usual - and I saw a pic where someone said that Best Buy was doing a one-day only promotion where you get a free iPhone 5 if you trade in your iPhone 4 or 4s. At first glance, I thought it was a spam or gimmick. Then I thought, if this is legit - I could get an upgrade to more space on my phone! So, I told Nate we needed to make a stop at Best Buy along with the rest of our errands & he didn't argue. It's his fave place.


I got to Best Buy & learned that it was in fact true. They checked to see if I was eligible for an upgrade & I was! I had no idea. So, I got a new phone. This one has 16G of space. Double what I did have! So now I can actually have more than a few apps & pics before my phone starts yelling at me. I also got a cute navy & coral Speck case on clearance. Holla! I couldn't believe how much lighter the 5 is than the 4. I love it so far.

After we did our damage there, we headed out to get wedding & baby gifts for a couple of friends. We grabbed lunch & got back home before the rain started.

Luckily, it didn't rain too long & the sun came out quick. My sister & her BFF came to see me & we all hung out by the pool 'til we got hungry for dinner.

Nate was down for fending for himself, so Dani, Casey & I had Fuddruckers for dinner. Followed by Baskin Robbins' for dessert with lots of girl talk. It was a blast. It had been a while since I saw Dani, so we got to catch up.

Binky cuddling up on Dan's pregnant self

Once we got back to the apartment, it was getting late and we were all having so much fun watching stand up comics on Netflix, that the girls just crashed here & we had a little slumber party. :)

Sunday:

Woke up about an hour earlier than I normally do, and was surprised to see that the girls were already up. I had to make a run to the bank and gas station, so the girls tagged along & we stopped at Krispy Kreme for breakfast to take back to Nate at the apartment.

Enjoyed our coffee & donuts before they left. My sister asked if Binky could stay with her overnight. I thought about it, and we were going to be leaving him alone that night anyway & on Monday while we were at work, he would have 2 other dogs to chill with if my sister took him. So, I agreed. Bink went home with his Auntie Casey. :)

Once they were gone, we started to get ready for a co-ed baby shower for our friends. They're having a little boy, so the baby shower was in a suite at the Rangers game. Genius, no?!

We had a blast. The weather was 100% perfect, the view was wonderful, the food was good & visiting with our sweet friends we don't get to see all that often was just fabulous.


Once we made it back home, we had the cleaning itch. So, Nate and I cleaned the apartment like it needed it badly. We dusted all of the furniture & picture frames, etc. We vacuumed, swiffered, took out trash, the works. Feels good to start the new week fresh with a clean apartment.

Afterwards, I made us breakfast for dinner, (our fave) and I was talking about how much I missed Binky. I felt ridiculous, but I couldn't help it. He's my little baby who cuddles on the couch with me, or barks when he is done eating, and I got sad. Don't judge me. HAHA.

So, my sister and I downloaded the Tango app (because she's lame and doesn't have an iPhone, so we couldn't FaceTime) to video chat with each other & so I could tell Binky good night.

It was pretty funny. Binky didn't know what to think, my sisters' dog was all over the place & whining, but my dad's dog sat and stared dead on at the camera. It was hilarious. Then Casey put the phone in front of my dad. I started talking & he looked shocked. He said, "Bam, can you hear me? Wait, can you see me? I can see you!" Yes Dad, you adorable man you.

I couldn't resist getting a screen shot of my dad's first video chat experience

He couldn't believe it. He said, "Well I just had no idea a phone could actually do this." If you know my dad, you know how old school hickabilly he is. It's hilariously adorable.

Now, I have showered and am blogging. It's only 9:30pm & I can feel my eyes getting heavy already. I may lay down earlier than normal & read until I can't hold my eyes open anymore.

 Linking up with: Meg//Molly & Carly//Sami//Syndal & Sar//Leeann 

What did you go this weekend? Anything fun! Tell me in the comments what your most favorite part of the weekend was.

Don't forget - you have 2 more days to enter for your chance to win some Seattle's Best Coffee! You have about a day to enter for your chance to win a new Gatsy inspired novel. And it's your last day to get in your entries for the May group giveaway. You can win so many awesome prizes

Also, my BFF fo' lyfe, Neely has been nominated by Dallas A List for BEST LOCAL BLOGGER. So, don't forget to vote for her! You can vote daily. You don't have to live in Dallas to vote either. Anyone can!

Now, y'all have a happy Monday!

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