6.25.2013

The Fog I'm Living In is a Dark One

Why I've been semi-absent from most things lately. Absent from the blog, mostly from social media, and I know I've been absent with my friends, too.

This post is a ramble of sentences of the last few days. I've added some of my thoughts over the past week. I know I'm totally rambling, but such is the life right now.

A few weeks ago, I ran out of my anti anxiety medication. Out of my normal habit, I called the pharmacy and ordered my refill via the automated system to be picked up the next day.

I had been thinking.. this medicine isn't really doing what it's supposed to be doing anyway. I feel like I still have anxiety even when I take my meds, sooo... Oh, and plus, I have an appointment coming up with my doctor to discuss my medication since she recently cut the dosage back.

Not intentionally, I can only assume sub-consciously, I never picked up my prescription.

Once I realized what I had done, and the prescription was likely back on the shelf and not available for pick-up, I thought to myself "Oh well, my doctor will probably prescribe something different anyway and I'll have wasted money on that prescription." No big deal. I can go a few weeks without my meds, right? Plus I totally have a handle on my anxiety.

I can tell you the exact moment that I realized what a problem this was going to cause.

Last week, Nate made the comment that I had been "edgy" lately. I immediately retorted with "You calling me edgy doesn't make matters any better, in fact, it pisses me off more." and the conversation was over. He shook his head and dropped it.

The next night, Nate had said it again, but began the conversation much lighter so I wouldn't flip my lid. He said, "Babe, I know you don't like it when I say you're being edgy, but you are. And don't get upset for me asking, but have you taken your chill pill recently?"

I stopped in the middle of what I was doing, looked at him dead in the eye and said, "Oh shit. That's what's wrong. Now that you mention it, no, I haven't been taking my medication."

I can't tell you how awful I've felt this last week. My anxiety is at an all-time high, and I constantly feel like I'm at my breaking point. Every little thing has had me on the verge of tears. I literally have tears in my eyes all day. I've been blaming allergies when I don't want to talk about it at work. (because I don't - I don't ever share my personal life with any of my co-workers.)

I feel like I'm living in the clouds right now. My brain is literally foggy. I know it sounds weird, but I feel high. I feel like I'm going to pass out about 24 hours of every day. It feels like my insides are vibrating and I have no control over any of these emotions.

I HATE to admit these things. I hate it with every inch of my being. It makes me feel weak. Like I can't control my life. I wish I didn't suffer from anxiety so badly. I wish I could let things roll off my back. I wish I could word my thoughts without feeling like an idiot.

I have found myself wishing every minute of the day away. Why can't it just be bedtime? Why do I have to suffer all day long? I just want to sleep. It's the only time I get a break from myself. The only 8 hours of the day that I'm not feeling like a psychopath.

I find myself sobbing so hard I can't breathe. Tears pouring down my face. No specific reasoning, which makes me cry harder because why can't I pinpoint what's upsetting me this much? Am I crazy for having no reason to cry? No appetite - because my stomach is in knots. I just want to feel "normal" again.

And then it terrifies me, because I think - what if I have to stay medicated for the rest of my life? If that's what it takes to feel better, then part of me doesn't even care. I'll take meds forever as long as I can feel sane. But, I know one day (FAR off in the distance future) I'm going to want to be a mom. It's something I think about because I'm not going to be able to take my meds if I get pregnant. I want to be medication free when that time comes.

What if I never get ahold of my anxiety? What if I pass on the 'anxiety gene' to my children? I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I worry about the future. I worry about my life and what my anxiety and the medication are doing to my body.

I know it's causing damage to my body. I can feel it. I feel drained. Emotionally. Exhausted. When I do actually eat, it doesn't stay down. When I do actually sleep, I wake up exhausted because I know I haven't allowed myself to fully rest. I literally have to tell myself to breathe. I forget things because my brain is so foggy that it doesn't feel like it's working properly.

For now, I feel like medication is definitely necessary.

I will never say again, "Oh my meds must not be working". I couldn't have been more wrong. My meds were working, and I did a horrible thing by taking myself off of them. Now, I'm suffering while I wait to see my doctor this week in hopes that she'll be able to fix me very quickly. I have never looked more forward to a doctor's appointment like I am now.

To read more about my struggle with anxiety, you can check out the other post I wrote about it. It's not something I talk about much, but sometimes I just need to let it all out.

Post NOT written for sympathy or attention. All I want from you is prayers, if that's your prerogative.

29 comments:

J said...

I found myself nodding along with this post almost as soon as I started reading it. Anxiety and depression run heavily in my family. I have suffered from depression before, and always suffer with anxiety. It's kind of calm at times and raging at others. It's definitely a hard thing to deal with. I'm sending prayers your way, I hope you're able to get things straightened out again soon! X's and O's, m'dear!

Candace said...

I agree with this whole heartedly. I struggle with anxiety and depression as well! It can be a bitch. Hugs to you girl. It will get better:) Promise!

Vicki said...

Anxiety runs in my family. I get panic attacks often. Actually I've been struggling with them a lot lately ... I know mine is directly related to my gaining wait - when I am watching my diet and being healthy my panic attacks lesson. Just know I'm here fir you if you ever need to vent ... I can relate to this post on SO many different levels! Love you!

Lauren said...

Thinking of your girl <3 I know the feeling with anxiety I suffer as well but from OCD, it's an awful struggle for me so trust me I feel your pain right now :-(

Becky Dougherty said...

I'm so sorry that you're having a hard time right now. My prayers are with you!

Jodi said...

I'm sorry you had to find out the hard way that your meds were working. Hang in there and I hope your doctor is able to help!

Nichole said...

I hope getting it out here, helped a little? I'm sorry to read this for you...hope you feel better soon :)

Nichole said...

I hope getting it out here, helped a little? I'm sorry to read this for you...hope you feel better soon :)

Brook said...

You are in my prayers. xoxo

Kristine said...

Girlfriend, hang in there... You're not alone! I've been there and it sucks and I wish I could have my anxiety under control too but for right now, we've gotta rely on our meds and that's ok :)

Ashley said...

Sending prayers your way. Medication isn't something to be ashamed of. Anxiety is a tough cookie. If it takes medication to battle it, so be it. It's no different that having high cholesterol and needing to take medication to lower it.

Amber O said...

Big hugs.. I know what you are going through is tough and it takes courage to talk about it. It may help at the drs. to talk about possibly having your symptoms re-evaluted. When I was working as a mental health counselor we had people that were diagnosised as one thing but the more symptoms that appeared or changed, we can pinpoint it better and get the correct medication to help them deal with their issues. Maybe finding a trusted therapist will help. Shop around. You need to find someone you feel comfortable with.. its like finding the perfect pair of jeans, you keep trying them on till you find the one that fits you and yours style

Meghan said...

Oh, Amber, I am sending you lots of hugs right now. I know you will be able to deal with all of this, and if medication helps, then that's what you need. I agree with some of the above comments - have you considered a therapist? I have a friend who is seeing one now and she absolutely loves it!

Danielle Spakes said...

I've been exactly where you are. I took myself off my meds almost two years ago now because I thought they weren't working and Sweet Lord the months that followed were horrendous. I'll keep you in my prayers and hope your doctor gets you squared away.

Jenn Thomas said...

So, I love you so much! I sat here, reading this post, shaking my head, eyes tearing up because I know EXACTLY what you are going through. True life...I'm on several medications for anti-anxiety/depression & have been for quite some time. I have had the SAME feelings- I'm fine. I don't need it. I'll just stop taking it...only to find that I cannot function without- which scares me even more and spirals me into an even deeper/darker place.

Oh, I know so much of what you're going through. Like I tweeted the other night...I've found that yoga, meditation and deep breathing exercises have really helped me to release stress and (for lack of a better term) "get a grip" on my emotions.

I'm ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS here if you need someone to talk to, relate to or just commiserate with. I hope that you're having a better week and I think it's so GREAT that you have Nate in your life to be there for you- it's great that y'all can have REAL conversations so that he can help you out to get things straightened out.

Love, love, love you girlfriend!

Kaitlin said...

I totally know where you are coming from and just want to tell you some of my personal experiences, because maybe they will help! First - what you've been feeling is more likely withdrawal from your medication than the state of your actual anxiety. What I mean is, if you actually did stop taking your medication gradually, as described by your doctor, you wouldn't necessarily feel this way all the time. This isn't necessarily your "normal state" - it's very likely a bad reaction to abruptly stopping. At least that's what happened to me when I did the same thing a couple of years ago. Second - are you also going to therapy? I will just say that I was on anxiety meds for several years and about 6 months after starting talk therapy, I was of them. It's been over a year and I haven't once thought of going back. NOT saying you are weak or wrong for taking medicine, just suggesting that if meds don't seem to be working, maybe therapy will. I hope this helps and I hope you know you are not alone!!

Micah said...

Too often, I think we believe "I can do this on my own" and "I don't need help (medication)." It's as if accepting help makes us weak. On the contrary, I think knowing what we need and accepting it is strong.

I hope you feel better soon. Sending you good vibes and prayers.

Megan Lindley said...

I can completely relate to your situation. You are NOT alone!

Dara said...

I totally get where you're coming from. I felt like that too before I started taking meds. I've been on them for 12 years now. It's worth it. If you still felt anxious on them, you might need an increase in the meds or different ones, hopefully the doctor will help when you see her!

Em @ And Nothing Else Matters said...

Praying hard for you girl xo

Katie said...

Oh Amber-- I'm so sorry you're dealing with this!! You're absolutely in my prayers!

Crazy Shenanigans-JMO said...

Oh no! I hope you're already back on it and starting to feel a little better. Have you talked to the doctor about wanting to come off it eventually? I'm sure they have good advice.

Jess @ Blonde Meets World said...

Hey girl! It absolutely sucks that you are going through this. Hugs all around!! I wish I would help more, but feel free to reach out to me ANY time if you need anything.

Also, my friend's doctor helped her slooooowly wean off her anxiety meds when she was trying to get pregnant. I have all the confidence in the world that you'll be able to figure out a good fix when you're at that point in your life :)

tara said...

anxiety seriously sucks and i know exactly how you feel! :( thinking of you, sweet girl!

Life With Lauren said...

Will keep you in my prayers hope it all gets worked out very soon.

Meg O. said...

I am so sorry you had to deal with this, friend. I know you want to be in control of things on your own, but sometimes meds aren't anything to be ashamed of. I am here if you ever want to talk or be silly. I can't say that I know what anxiety feels like, but I am here for you!

Holly said...

Oh Amber, prayers heading your way for sure!!! I don't struggle officially with anxiety or depression or anything like that, but I had a taste for it for about 2 straight weeks in June and I NEVER want to feel that way again. So I can understand how upsetting, scary, frustrating, and annoying it all is, and I sincerely hope you are feeling better :)

Meghan said...

Praying for you sweet friend! *HUGS*

Melanie said...

I completely understand every single thing you've said here. I deal with this too, and have been on medication since college. I hate it, but you have to do what you have to do.

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