Why I've been semi-absent from most things lately. Absent from the blog, mostly from social media, and I know I've been absent with my friends, too.
This post is a ramble of sentences of the last few days. I've added some of my thoughts over the past week. I know I'm totally rambling, but such is the life right now.
A few weeks ago, I ran out of my anti anxiety medication. Out of my normal habit, I called the pharmacy and ordered my refill via the automated system to be picked up the next day.
I had been thinking.. this medicine isn't really doing what it's supposed to be doing anyway. I feel like I still have anxiety even when I take my meds, sooo... Oh, and plus, I have an appointment coming up with my doctor to discuss my medication since she recently cut the dosage back.
Not intentionally, I can only assume sub-consciously, I never picked up my prescription.
Once I realized what I had done, and the prescription was likely back on the shelf and not available for pick-up, I thought to myself "Oh well, my doctor will probably prescribe something different anyway and I'll have wasted money on that prescription." No big deal. I can go a few weeks without my meds, right? Plus I totally have a handle on my anxiety.
I can tell you the exact moment that I realized what a problem this was going to cause.
Last week, Nate made the comment that I had been "edgy" lately. I immediately retorted with "You calling me edgy doesn't make matters any better, in fact, it pisses me off more." and the conversation was over. He shook his head and dropped it.
The next night, Nate had said it again, but began the conversation much lighter so I wouldn't flip my lid. He said, "Babe, I know you don't like it when I say you're being edgy, but you are. And don't get upset for me asking, but have you taken your chill pill recently?"
I stopped in the middle of what I was doing, looked at him dead in the eye and said, "Oh shit. That's what's wrong. Now that you mention it, no, I haven't been taking my medication."
I can't tell you how awful I've felt this last week. My anxiety is at an all-time high, and I constantly feel like I'm at my breaking point. Every little thing has had me on the verge of tears. I literally have tears in my eyes all day. I've been blaming allergies when I don't want to talk about it at work. (because I don't - I don't ever share my personal life with any of my co-workers.)
I feel like I'm living in the clouds right now. My brain is literally foggy. I know it sounds weird, but I feel high. I feel like I'm going to pass out about 24 hours of every day. It feels like my insides are vibrating and I have no control over any of these emotions.
I HATE to admit these things. I hate it with every inch of my being. It makes me feel weak. Like I can't control my life. I wish I didn't suffer from anxiety so badly. I wish I could let things roll off my back. I wish I could word my thoughts without feeling like an idiot.
I have found myself wishing every minute of the day away. Why can't it just be bedtime? Why do I have to suffer all day long? I just want to sleep. It's the only time I get a break from myself. The only 8 hours of the day that I'm not feeling like a psychopath.
I find myself sobbing so hard I can't breathe. Tears pouring down my face. No specific reasoning, which makes me cry harder because why can't I pinpoint what's upsetting me this much? Am I crazy for having no reason to cry? No appetite - because my stomach is in knots. I just want to feel "normal" again.
And then it terrifies me, because I think - what if I have to stay medicated for the rest of my life? If that's what it takes to feel better, then part of me doesn't even care. I'll take meds forever as long as I can feel sane. But, I know one day (FAR off in the distance future) I'm going to want to be a mom. It's something I think about because I'm not going to be able to take my meds if I get pregnant. I want to be medication free when that time comes.
What if I never get ahold of my anxiety? What if I pass on the 'anxiety gene' to my children? I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I worry about the future. I worry about my life and what my anxiety and the medication are doing to my body.
I know it's causing damage to my body. I can feel it. I feel drained. Emotionally. Exhausted. When I do actually eat, it doesn't stay down. When I do actually sleep, I wake up exhausted because I know I haven't allowed myself to fully rest. I literally have to tell myself to breathe. I forget things because my brain is so foggy that it doesn't feel like it's working properly.
For now, I feel like medication is definitely necessary.
I will never say again, "Oh my meds must not be working". I couldn't have been more wrong. My meds were working, and I did a horrible thing by taking myself off of them. Now, I'm suffering while I wait to see my doctor this week in hopes that she'll be able to fix me very quickly. I have never looked more forward to a doctor's appointment like I am now.
To read more about my struggle with anxiety, you can check out the other post I wrote about it. It's not something I talk about much, but sometimes I just need to let it all out.
Post NOT written for sympathy or attention. All I want from you is prayers, if that's your prerogative.